Ain’t no shame in the algorithmically optimized love life. If you and snookums matched on OkCupid, I already like you better than those obnoxious, self-satisfied couples who met “the real way.” (Good luck, IRLers—some number crunchers at the University of Vienna suspect your marriages aren’t as joyous.)
The internet excels at matchmaking, widening my circle of potentials and forcing the articulation of specific desires. Then there’s Facebook’s contribution to the game of romance: its new Secret Crush feature. Hold my hair back while I retch. Continuing its conquest of modernity, Facebook now assumes I want to find my soul mate within its janky corridors.