As a relationship coach, by far the most common complaint that I hear among my female clients is…
“There just aren’t any decent men online!”
I don’t generally hear the same complaint from men. Actually it’s the opposite – there is just too much choice when it comes to settling down with just one woman. Lots of my male clients, even the ones who claim to want deep connection and a long-term relationship, seem to suffer from overwhelm from the great standard of women who show up online.
But is this really an online phenomenon, or simply an exaggerated example of the age-old theory about men wanting to sow their wild oats and women wanting commitment with just one man, virtually or in reality?
And crucially, is it true that there aren’t any decent men online?
So is it true that all the good men are ‘taken’ and that online sites only offer a one night stand with Casanova, or society’s sloppy seconds in the male department?
I think not. The evidence provided by most of my male clients who are dating online suggests otherwise, as they are mostly decent men, wanting commitment and to find a life partner. My partner and I met in a lift at work, but we were both dating online at the time and I simply couldn’t believe how lucky I was to find him. He’s fantastic.
If we look at the statistics, there are more women dating online than men, but not by much, so it can’t be true that all of the …. are bottom of the pile.
So if we can’t blame the numbers then what?
Confidence and negative beliefs are often to blame, and this is where coaching can really help. Through a mixture of confidence-building techniques and breaking down old negative beliefs, working with a coach in this area can shift things remarkably.
So, what about the different sites and the kinds of people they attract? Again, my female clients struggle with waiting for men to call back, and the vulnerable feelings that get triggered by the constant rejection of a phone that never rings.
I think that this is being addressed by some of the newer dating apps, such as Bumble, Siren, The Grade and Wyldfire, all of which are instigating a move towards putting women in control of the dating experience. This is a very welcome shift in my book – for far too long, men have had the upper hand when it comes to being in control of the early stages of dating, and while this might result in lots of notches on bedposts, it doesn’t help us with more long term lovemaking or matchmaking.
Everyone has a few horror stories about the reality of the guy who shows up five inches shorter and two stone heavier than their profile picture, but I think that given the percentages of people who now use online dating as the primary way to meet people, it simply can’t be true that there are no decent men online.
There is plenty you can do as a woman to maximize your chances of finding ‘The One’. Be clear about what you want and find the right sites for you. Make sure your profile reflects the truth about who you are, and what you want relationship-wise.
Always get feedback from a coach or friend. Don’t sleep around if you want long-term commitment. Check your own behavior before you start blaming the entire male race. Certain sites lean themselves more towards certain types of relationship — if you want a bit of fun Tinder is probably better than the more gruelling process of matchmaking provided by eHarmony, which is much better suited to those looking for a life partner.
We all have to remember that dating online is like dating everywhere else — it’s a numbers game. Changing yourself and your own habits, increasing your self-awareness and changing patterns that don’t serve your goal are key. Often, simply defining what you are looking for and refusing to get distracted by anything or anyone else does the trick. Change yourself and you can change the world.
By Kate Mansfield, Relationship Coach, Mentor and Consultant.
Visit her site here.